So, I've been waiting for a long time for anyone I know to stop reading this, and I think I've hit that point. That makes me sad, somehow. I had hoped that this would bring me closer to my friends, or at least help keep in touch with other people. But, now that no one I know reads it, I can say whatever I'm really thinking. Like, I could tell Daniel that I still care for him much more that I should, after nearly a year of being broken up. But he'll never read that, so its ok to leave up there.  Thats a relief, but I still wish my friends read this still.

So this whole night has sucked. A lot. For starts, I wanted to hang out with Dave Cornejo because I don't get to see him a lot any more. So, I called him to see if it was ok if I came over, and he said yeah. So I get changed and go over there.. He says he wants to "take a nap" and I'm free to hang out if I want til 10 or so when everyone else got back. Already feeling like second rate shit since I, apparently, wasn't good enough to wake up for, I played around on the computer for half an hour or so, before I heard Dave and his girlfriend having sex in the other room. ... Fuck. Just, fuck. This is why I fucking CALLED. (can you sense my exasperation?) So I left, feeling like just a bother. At about 10:30, I called Dave to see if he was done yet, cause I'm a bitch for punishment apparently. So I go back over there, and Joe is drunk as shit. Now mind you, I've had an on-again-off-again trist going on with Joe for the last month or so. Only lately, he hasn't called me, and the one time I called him, he said he didn't have time. So I gave up. No wait, I gave up after he went back to his girlfriend. So, yeah. I'm a whore, leave me alone, I don't need YOUR grief over it too.. Don't rub it in. Anyway, he was drunk off his ass and wanted to patch things up between us, and I am just .... done with it, I guess. I don't want a relationship right now, much less TWO! (my boyfriend David K, and then Joe.) So.. It was a very annoying two hours. He just would not let it go. Wouldn't take no for an answer. Wouldn't leave me the fuck alone. I hate clingy people. If theres one way to chase me out of a relationship, its to be clingy and needy. I need space and time to be by myself and do my own thing. Joe was doing anything but giving me space. I wanted to just give up in exaspertion. I did leave early, though, just to get away from Joe, and David. Grr, both of you.

So Then, when I get home, I decide that its been about a bad enough day, it would take effort to make it worse. I chose to make it worse, by telling my mother I was considering a tattoo. She told me that it was a stupid, sleezy, slutty and trashy (her words) thing to do. She said it was a multilation of my body. Pissed, I disagreed. Now, mind you this may not sound like a lot, but in my family, thats like calling her a bitch and then pimpsmacking her. With her, you have to play her game, and be what she wants in order to get anything. I havn't ever played her game, and so I've never gotten any of her rewards, or approval. In the last two years of my life, some pretty major changes have happened. Not a SINGLE ONE of which she has supported me in. Shes always been against it, against me, or just downright surly about the whole idea. Example, Modeling school. Breaking up with David. Going to college. With Model school, my dad and step-mom offered to pay for the whole thing, and mom wanted absolutly nothing to do with it. Didn't want to see what I had learned, how I liked it, or whatever. She pretended it didn't exist. With David, she thinks hes the best thing that has ever, or will ever, happen to me. She says hes stable, kind, and dependable. All true, and all good points. But hes also un-ambitious (No idea of career, or college, or ANYTHING beyond factory work), not intelligent (and thats the most important thing to me), and not even terriably interesting. He is not a bad person to be with, but just not for me. And as to college, she thinks I'm going to fail out within the first year. Let me repeat that for emphasis: My MOTHER believes me incapable of college. My MOTHER thinks I will FAIL COLLEGE before I've ever set foot in a class room. Thats not support, thats petty and silly... I don't even know what it is! SHE went to college, and she failed out because she partied to much. Because of that, she thinks I will too. If its outside of what she has done, or would do herself, she thinks its an awful idea. She would love nothing better for me that to cancel all my plans and stay here, meek as a kitten, marry David and settle into a boring midwestern life.

 I can't tell you how much it hurts me, knowing that she wants me to fail.

It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. All I want, is for one sentence to leave her mouth that doesnt start with "Please tell me that you're not..." or "Thats an awful idea!". Just once, I want her to find good in what I'm doing, even if she wouldn't do it herself. Even if its only well-wishing for college, or a compliment to the tattoo desgin I picked out. I just want to know she doesn't consider me a complete fuck up. She really seems to think that. And all it does is drive me father away. All it does is make me want to do it more, all the while considering myself worthless and a terriable person. Thats no way for a mother to make her only daughter feel, is it? 

I'm not asking for a lot. Just... a little approval. Just a sentence that isn't negative. Surely I deserve that? I'm not really an awful person, am I? ...No really, I'm asking. Anyone who knows me, who reads this: I ask you- Am I an awful person for wanting to live my own life, for doing my own thing? Am I a bad person? Am I, really? ... Dont answer that. Sometimes, its better not to know what you're friends think.