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A Sad Metamorphosis
Cheat codes for growing up. +1 to Maturity! |
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So, sometimes I still scare myself. Especially with old habits that are hard to break under the best of circumstances and SO easy to relapse into under the worst. To make this brief, for the past 5 or 6 years, I have been struggling with anorexia. But, it has not been an issue for the past 3 or so. I never went to a therapist or anything like that. I simply recognized that I had a problem and, after a lot of soul searching, that this problem wasn't solving anything. In fact, it was making things quite a bit worse. So, I took steps to correct it. I began making myself eat more, and work out less. Little increments at a time, with painful relapses. It was hard, hard work... But for the last year and half or so, (mind you, thats a year and half of nearly always conscious effort)it has been getting much easier, almost normal.
Then, early this month, I began a medication that would solve migraine-associated severe pains that I have (called Ice Pick, or thunderclap pains... Google it). The medication represses my appetite and simply allows me to forget that I am hungry. I noticed this side effect early on, and it had not been a problem. Simply more vigilance, and eating when I didn't feel hungry. But oh, how easy the anorexia popped up again... When things started getting hard down here, or I felt I had fucked up on a grand scale somehow, I took control back, or punished myself with allowing myself to not eat. Mind you, this was not a conscious decision. It is a disease, and it is not easy to deal with. But, once again, I had not eaten for 2 days, with the exception of a liter of water and a small thing of yogurt. I lost 5 pounds, from my 110, 5'6"... It was noticeable, and not acceptable.
Old habits die hard, it the morel of this lesson. Never think they're gone completely... I've learned my lesson.