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A Sad Metamorphosis
Cheat codes for growing up. +1 to Maturity! |
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I'm going to stop apologizing for ranting. Its my blog, its my spot to rant. People are free to read or not. No skin off my blog.
I hate my father. He told me that I'm going to "fail at life" and that everyone in my family is worried about me because Im with Shaun and the way my life is going. And more, that Shaun has some kind of bizarre "ZOMBIE POWER" (his word, not mine... in all caps, his too) over me. the holy fucking hell is this shit?? Im not 12 years old, he is NOT the God of Nikki's Life and does not get final say in what I do. He's such a fucking control freak alcoholic that he CANNOT let go of me until I'm married or dead. Even then, I'm sure he'll still try to tell me how to live my life (he's very fond of doing that). Whatever. He's a drunk asshole who has no right to tell me how to live, or that I will or will not fail. Whats worse, I CANNOT fix him. He won't stop drinking and on top of that, hes an asshole without liquor too. Lose-lose situation.
I'm dying to shake St. Louis' dust off my boots and never come back. I hate this town.
So, that has had me in tears for 2 days. Whats worse, things with Shaun are getting tense. We are fighting a whole lot and I hate that. When I come home (literally, not speaking in hyperbole here) bawling my eyes out, the last thing I want and/or need is to fight with him. Which is what happened. wtf.
Mainly, I feel such a distance between us right now. That breaks my heart, knowing how close we can/should be. To whit, he's moving to Colorado for the summer to do his internship, and I'm not going with him. We've already decided to have an open relationship for the summer. I'm not sure how we are going to do with (A) the distance and (B) the open thing. The distance we've dealt with before, but things were different then. When I was in Miami, we had the whole wonderful new relationship and mystery and anticipation thing. Now, I'm not sure, esp. figuring in the openness. He will actively be looking for girls to sleep with (responsibly, of course). I will have the same freedom and responsibility that he does in this. My point is, I am not sure how good this will be for us. Worst case, he'll came back and want to keep it open. That, I cannot abide and we will have to have a serious god damn talk about how if he wants other women so badly, what he needs me for AND if he wants me in his life, why does he need other women?
But, most of that is in the future.
For now, we're fighting a lot and it hurts and I'm sad and just want him to ... be himself, I guess.
sigh. I fucking hate St. Louis. This town does this to people- makes them old, and bitter, and sad before their time.